Introduction
Singleness is on the rise globally, including in India. Yet singleness continues to carry stigma—both in society and within the church. It is important for the church to think deeply and biblically about singleness because the church comprises of both the married and single. The paper explores issues related to singleness and the church, the biblical perspective on singleness, and presents findings from research on the lived experiences of single women in the church in urban India. The study’s findings recommend a revised praxis for the church to better pastor and minister to those who are single and single again in the church.
The Rise of Singleness
There has been a global rise in singlehood over the past few decades. Researchers mark the increase of singleness as a worldwide phenomenon across countries, races, and ethnicities (Kislev and Marsh 2023, 40) and project singleness as the next relational trend (Mortelmans, Claessens, and Thielemans 2023, 485). Despite the high value placed on marriage in Asian cultures, the proportion of single adults is increasing in many Asian countries (Himawan, Bambling, and Edirippulige 2018, 3668). While demographic trends show that both men and women experience periods of singleness; however, for women, singleness is considered a negative identity and represents “deficit or deviance” (Simpson 2016, 333).
Singleness is also on the rise in India. Single women, particularly, are a growing demographic in India (Mukhopadhyay 2016, 2). There are nearly three times as many divorced, separated, and widowed women as men in India (Bhandare 2018). The growth in the population of single women is attributed to various reasons, including the socio-cultural influence of globalization, which has led to increased opportunities for women to pursue education and work, particularly among the urban middle class (Lamb 2018, 50).
The experience of singleness is also not uniform across countries. Even within a country, the experience of singleness varies depending on social class, caste, race, sexuality, and gender. But across the board, studies document the stigma and discrimination single adults face because of their marital status.
Singleness and the Church
For many in the church, the rise of singleness may be viewed as a disturbing development that the church needs to address and reverse. Churches are seen as beacons holding out the values of marriage and family life. While the church needs to uphold the goodness of marriage in a culture that often distorts the value of marriage, this has been so skewed that singleness is viewed as an inferior way of life for the Christian, and one that holds no theological significance.
In the church, especially in evangelical protestant churches, marriage has been idolized and seen as the ultimate calling and place to live out the Christian life (Treweek 2023, 32). Surveys extensively reveal that the church is viewed as primarily a place for families, and marriage is endorsed as the norm (Toth 2021, 13). Singleness is seen as a secondary, deviant status in the church (Treweek 2020, 5), as a person is considered to be “complete” after marriage.
Church ministries are often geared towards families (marriage seminars, parenting workshops, family camps, etc.), and single adult ministries are usually directed towards young adults from twenty to thirty, leaving a gap where single people over thirty do not fit into either the young adult or family categories.
The theology of the church overwhelmingly favours marriage over singleness (Toth 2021, 13). A well-developed biblical theology of singleness is not taught or discussed in the church. Churches gloss over passages like 1 Corinthians 7 that speak of the goodness of singleness and even more preferable to marriage for pursuing single-minded devotion and service to God. Instead, singleness is considered shameful and a curse rather than a gift.
Biblical Perspective on Singleness
In the New Testament, singleness is affirmed as good, it is viewed as a gift, and a valued lifestyle in the church. The perspective runs completely counter to the culture of the time. Both for Jewish and Greco-Roman cultures, marriage, family, and children were strong cultural and foundational values. However, the Old Testament creation mandate and the New Testament kingdom mandate must both be understood in light of God’s plan of redemption in Christ. All the covenantal blessings find their fulfilment in Christ and through Christ, “life is fully blessed even without marriage and children. It (singleness) prophetically points to a reality greater than the satisfactions of this present age by consciously anticipating the Christian’s eternal inheritance in the kingdom of God” (Danylak 2020, 215).
Singleness is good: In 1 Corinthians 7, the apostle Paul writes to the Corinthian church and upholds the goodness of both marriage and singleness. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:8 ESV, “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am,” and in 1 Corinthians 7:26-27, “I think that in view of the present distress it is good for a person to remain as he is.” In both these verses, Paul’s instruction to those who are single in the church is to remain as they are without a compulsion to change their marital status. Paul highlights the inherent goodness of singleness and the benefits of singleness in the light of God’s mission in the world. Singleness affords freedom from the anxieties and responsibilities of married life and family, and Paul states that singleness is good and even preferable because of the unique privileges it affords.
Singleness is affirmed by Jesus: In Matthew 19, the Pharisees come to Jesus with a question regarding divorce. Jesus answers their question with a reference to God’s design for marriage and the sacredness of the covenant. In view of the sanctity of marriage and the truth that it is God who joins together the man and the woman in marriage, Jesus responds with a much higher standard for marriage and a lesser allowance for divorce than the Pharisees and the disciples expected. Hearing about the high call of marriage as a permanent union that cannot be easily broken, the disciples remark that “it is better not to marry” (Matt. 19:10). Jesus uses the figure of a eunuch as a type of a single person, expanding the definition of a eunuch from someone with physical incapability to one who voluntarily becomes a eunuch, remaining unmarried for the sake of the kingdom, to point out that being single is a valid and acceptable way to live.
Marriage is not eternal—singleness is. In Matthew 22, a group of Jewish religious leaders came to Jesus with a peculiar scenario and a question to trap Him. Their question concerned marriage in the resurrection, and Jesus answered them, stating that there would be no marriage in the resurrection. Earthly marriage is temporary, and it is not eternal. Marriage is a sign, and marriage on earth points to the relationship between Christ and the church. There will be no marriage relationship in the new creation, because we will no longer need the symbol that earthly marriage points to. We will be living in the complete reality of our union with Christ and as brothers and sisters in Christ.
Singleness, Belonging, and the Church
The need to belong is the fundamental human desire and motivation to form and maintain enduring interpersonal attachments, which has profound effects on people’s cognition, emotions, and behaviours (Baumeister and Leary 1995, 497). To belong is the “experience of being home in the broadest sense of the phrase” (Block 2009, 15). The experience of belonging is often expected to be found primarily within family, marriage, or a romantic and sexual relationship.
For Christian single women and men, the church should ideally be a place where they can experience belonging and form deep connections that meet the need to belong. Belonging to God and to the church community is one of the central aspects of the Christian faith (Waldock, 2023, 571). The church is called to be a diverse community that embraces and includes everyone irrespective of gender, class, caste, race, ethnicity, or marital status.
However, when the church has a deficient view of singleness, it can become a place of wounding rather than a place of welcome, leaving singles with the question, “Do I belong here?” When the conception of the church as the family of God is not functionally realized in the life of the local church, the church reinforces the crisis of belonging.
Research on Singleness and Belonging in the Urban Indian Church
The desire for the church to be a space of welcome and belonging prompted me to research the experience of belonging for single women in the church in urban India. The central question of the research was, What is the experience of belonging for single women in the evangelical church in urban India? The answer to this question was determined through a hermeneutical phenomenological study that focused on understanding the lived experience of single women in the church in India. The data was collected through in-depth interviews with twenty-six never-married single women above the age of thirty who lived in major Indian cities and were members of evangelical churches.
Findings of the Research
Theme 1: External Perceptions and Pressures
The findings reflect that single women in India are faced with questions and comments that reveal the discriminatory and negative attitudes of the society around them. Single women are viewed as incomplete, cursed, immoral, picky, suspect, and not worthy of respect. Single women also have to deal with immense pressure to get married. The pressure lays an emotional burden on the respondents, especially as they dealt with their parents’ expectations. However, when respondents felt supported in their journey by family and friends, it enabled them to feel accepted in society.
Theme 2: Internal Feelings and Emotions
The study results highlight the identity issues single women struggle with because of the external societal perceptions. The identity issues are rooted in the perception that they are single because something is wrong with them, which is internalized because of what they hear from others in society. The Christian faith of respondents helps in dealing with questions of identity. The findings reveal that single women experience a range of mixed emotions at the same time, swinging from acceptance of singleness as God’s plan to struggling with loneliness—singleness not being by choice for most respondents. Faith plays a crucial role in helping single women navigate the emotions they face. The study also highlights the positive narratives and flourishing single women experience in terms of freedom, contentment, and the opportunities they have because of their singleness.
Theme 3: Attitudes, Beliefs, Practices in Church
The study findings reveal that the church perpetuates the negative attitudes and discrimination that single women experience in society. Single women in the church faced insensitive comments about their singleness and beliefs that viewed them as incomplete and inferior. The church focused on families and young people, alienating and marginalizing single women because they did not fit the main target groups. The church lacked any real understanding of the issues single women face and did not provide any support in helping them navigate the pressures of singleness. The results also highlight the ways the church has supported and integrated single women into the community, enabling them to be seen and included.
Theme 4: Friendship Constraints and Connections
The study results indicate that single women faced constraints in forming friendships within the church, particularly with married couples and men. Respondents found it difficult to form deeper relationships with families, as married couples and families preferred to hang out with other married couples and families, and each group perceived that the other might not understand their struggles. Single women found friendships with men, married or single, complicated because of presumptions, suspicions, and misunderstandings. Other constraints in building friendships in the church were related to urban living—busyness, traffic, long distances, safety issues for women, and constant transitions. However, when single women were able to form deep friendship connections in the church, they created a life-giving space of support, care, encouragement, and practical help.
Theme 5: Ministry Restrictions and Freedoms
The study findings reveal that the major ministry restriction single women face in the church is the preference for married people in ministry roles and functions. Marriage is viewed as a marker of social and spiritual maturity. Single women faced double discrimination in the church in terms of ministry involvement—being single and being a woman. Respondents faced other constraints in terms of issues related to the safety of women and personal limitations that affected their involvement in ministry. However, singleness also affords unique opportunities and freedoms like availability and flexibility, enabling single women to serve more and do more in the church.
Revised Praxis for the Church
The outcome of the study is the transformation in praxis that can enable churches to provide informed and intentional pastoral care for single women and create spaces of inclusion, acceptance, and belonging for single women.
- Perspective—Affirming Teaching on Singleness in the Church: The church generally lacks biblical teaching on singleness and needs to have affirming teaching regarding singleness as a status that is equal, feasible, and commended by Scripture. A balanced view of the goodness of both marriage and singleness through formal and informal avenues will work towards addressing the cultural blind spots and unbiblical beliefs on singleness.
- Programs—Cross-Life Stage Programs and Friendship Connection Opportunities: Exclusive programs for the majority groups in the church and age-specific ministries lead to people outside of target groups being excluded and left out. Having programs and opportunities for people in the church to connect with others from diverse life stages and age groups will enable the building of healthy discipleship relationships for both single and married people in the church.
- Pastoral Care–The Unique Needs and Challenges of Single Women: Pastoral care for single women needs to consider their unique needs and challenges. The findings of the study reflect that single women want the church members and leaders to journey with them and hear their story, care for their practical needs and safety, build relationships with them, provide guidance and counsel in navigating marriage decisions and single living, and include them, especially during special occasions such as Christmas and New Year.
- Participation—Ministry Involvement and Leadership Representation: The contribution of single women in ministry roles and functions should be encouraged, and their unique gifts and freedoms need to be acknowledged and appreciated in the church. Single women need to be visible in church ministry and leadership to enable their voices to be heard in the decision-making of the church.
The church in India has a pivotal role to play in responding to the country’s changing demographics and caring for the increasing numbers of single men and women who will inevitably walk through its doors in the future. My prayer is that the church will embrace its calling to be a true community of faith and create a space of welcome, embrace, and flourishing for those who are single and single again.
References
Baumeister, Roy F., and Mark R. Leary. 1995. “The Need to Belong: Desire for Interpersonal Attachments as a Fundamental Human Motivation.” Psychological Bulletin 117 (3): 497-529.
Bhandare, Namita. 2018. “As Indian Women Leave Jobs, Single Women Keep Working. Here’s Why.” IndiaSpend, June 23.
Block, Peter. 2018. Community: The Structure of Belonging. Oakland: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Incorporated.
Danylak, Barry. 2010. Redeeming Singleness: How the Storyline of Scripture Affirms the Single Life. Wheaton, Illinois: Crossway.
Himawan, Karel Karsten, Matthew Bambling, and Sisira Edirippulige. 2018. “The Asian Single Profiles: Discovering Many Faces of Never Married Adults in Asia.” Journal of Family Issues 39 (14): 3667-3689.
Kislev, Elyakim, and Kris Marsh. 2023. “Intersectionality in Studying and Theorizing Singlehood.” Journal of Family Theory & Review 15 (3): 412-427.
Lamb, Sarah. 2018. “Being Single in India: Gendered Identities, Class Mobilities, and Personhoods in Flux.” Ethos. 46. 49-69.
Mortelmans, Dimitri, Elke Claessens, and Gert Thielemans. 2023. “Defining and Measuring Singlehood in Family Studies.” Journal of Family Theory & Review 15 (3): 485-505.
Mukhopadhyay, Jayita. 2016. “Identity of ‘Single Woman’ in India: A Narrative of Exclusion and Striving for Empowerment.” International Research Journal of Social Sciences. Vol. 5(10): 1-5.
Simpson, Roona. 2016. “Singleness and Self-Identity: The Significance of Partnership Status in the Narratives of Never-Married Women.” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 33, no. 3 (May): 385–400.
Toth, Lina. 2021. Singleness and Marriage after Christendom: Being and Doing Family. Wipf and Stock Publishers.
Treweek, Danielle. 2020. “The Eschatological Abnormality of Christian Singleness.” St Mark’s Review 251 (March): 5–19.
Treweek, Danielle. 2023. The Meaning of Singleness: Retrieving an Eschatological Vision for the Contemporary Church. Downers Grove, Illinois: IVP Academic.
Waldock, Krysia Emily. 2023. “The Impossible Subject: Belonging as a Neurodivergent in Congregations.” Journal of Disability & Religion 27 (4): 568-583.
Shobana Vetrivel serves with Delhi School of Theology. She recently completed her PhD in Practical Theology, from Columbia Biblical Seminary of Columbia International University researching the experience of belonging of single women in the church in urban India. She is a member of the Redeemer Church in Delhi.
Thanks, Shobana, for starting this important conversation and thanks to TRACI for facilitating this. I remember when you (Shobana) came to our church some time back to talk about this, many of the women, especially the singles felt very blessed and connected just to hear you articulate a very real and often painful experience of being single and trying to find a sense of belonging. There is power in articulation. It liberates the one who is listening by validating and affirming an otherwise unnamed but real experience. This is what you did with your paper and your thesis on Singles and the church. So, I, as a single woman along with the sisterhood of single women and as the larger body of Christ appreciate very much your contribution in bringing this conversation to the fore.
Firstly, it is enlightening to see the demographic trend relating to singles. Researchers mark the increase of singleness as a worldwide phenomenon across countries, races, and ethnicities (Kislev and Marsh 2023, 40) and project singleness as the next relational trend (Mortelmans, Claessens, and Thielemans 2023, 485). Singleness is also on the rise in India. Single women, particularly, are a growing demographic in India (Mukhopadhyay 2016, 2).
There are nearly three times as many divorced, separated, and widowed women as men in India (Bhandare 2018).
This kind of trend feels like a silent social upheaval of sorts.
While demographic trends show that both men and women experience periods of singleness; however, for women, singleness is considered a negative identity and represents “deficit or deviance” (Simpson 2016, 333). So, women experience singleness differently from men.
I am pointing out this trend as well, because it is something that needs to be noted and recognized.
The concern is that the church perpetuates the negative attitudes and discrimination that single women experience in society.
This is manifested in various ways such as:
- Seeing rise of singleness as a disturbing development that the church needs to address and reverse
- Singleness viewed as an inferior way of life for the Christian and one that holds no theological significance
- Singleness is seen as a secondary, deviant status in the church (Treweek 2020, 5), as a person is considered to be “complete” after marriage.
- Singleness is considered shameful and a curse rather than a gift.
- Church ministries often geared towards families and single adult ministries and single people over thirty do not fit into either the young adult or family categories.
- The theology of the church overwhelmingly favors marriage over singleness.
Shobana focused her study on understanding the lived experience of single women. Though her study is a focused sample of 26 single women, never married, above 30 years, living in major urban cities, members of evangelical churches in India, her findings reveal a scenario common across the board when it comes to single women.
1. External perception
Questions and comments that reveal the discriminatory and negative attitudes of the society around them. Single women are viewed as incomplete, cursed, immoral, picky, suspect, and not worthy of respect. Single women also have to deal with immense pressure to get married.
2. Internal Feelings and Emotions
The identity issues are rooted in the perception that they are single because something is wrong with them, which is internalized because of what they hear from others in society.
I think this is a very real issue that single women face – the internalizing of what society says about them. It causes a lot of shame, pain, despair and anger towards God. Everything about our identity, relationships, our place in families, society and in God can be seen through this filter of internalized misconception.
3. Attitudes, Beliefs, Practices in Church
The church focused on families and young people, alienating and marginalizing single women because they did not fit the main target groups. The church lacked any real understanding of the issues single women face and did not provide any support in helping them navigate the pressures of singleness.
5. Friendship Constraints and Connections
The study results indicate that single women faced constraints in forming friendships within the church, particularly with married couples and men.
6. Ministry Restrictions and Freedoms
The study findings reveal that the major ministry restriction single women face in the church is the preference for married people in ministry roles and functions. Marriage is viewed as a marker of social and spiritual maturity.
For something to change, what is not right needs to be identified and called out and this is what Shobana’s research work has done and this why I am also pointing this out again as we talk about this issue.
The experiences of these 26 women are also the experiences of most, if not all of the single women all over the country. That’s why it is important that these are articulated, verbalized and documented. It lends a voice to all singles everywhere, who can’t find the words, who have no space to speak up about this very real-life experience. In that voicing, you have revealed that there is a God who is called El Roi, the God who sees (as Hagar calls Him, in Gen.16:13).
What is great about the study is that it is not just identifying the problem but provides a clear Biblical perspective about singleness, which we are meant to adopt as individuals and as the church.
Clear Biblical emphasis regarding singleness:
- Singleness is good: 1 Corinthians 7:26-27
- Singleness affords freedom from the anxieties and responsibilities of married life and family, and Paul states that singleness is good and even preferable because of the unique privileges it affords.
- Paul highlights the inherent goodness of singleness and the benefits of singleness in the light of God’s mission in the world.
So, what can we gather from here? Singleness is good and even preferable and not something to fear or run from. This is important to note because there is a lot of fear around being single, especially when one grows older with questions like ‘’who will take care of you when you grow old” etc. as if marriage and having children is a kind of life or health insurance!
Singleness is affirmed by Jesus: In Matthew 19. Let us remember that Jesus Himself was a – never married single man.
Marriage is not eternal singleness is. In Matthew 22, Jesus answered the Jewish religious leaders that there would be no marriage in the resurrection Earthly marriage is temporary, and it is not eternal. Marriage is a sign, and marriage on earth points to the relationship between Christ and the church. There will be no marriage relationship in the new creation, because we will no longer need the symbol that earthly marriage points to.
I would also add a point below:
One of the things that single women have to face is the fact that because we are not married, we will not have biological children. While that may be true in the natural, there is a higher identity and calling we are meant to live for, in the spirit.
Isaiah 54: 1-3: “Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the Lord. “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities.”
A single woman’s inheritance consists of raising spiritual children who will impact nations and generations to come. We are called to open our hearts, our lives to love, serve, disciple, mentor and bless generations of people through all that God has given us. God does not exclude us from His purposes because we are not married. The world and even the church may, but God does not. A single person can live fruitful lives in God.
Let me also appreciate Shobna for placing the issue of singleness in the context of belonging in the church.
‘For Christian single women and men, the church should ideally be a place where they can experience belonging and form deep connections that meet the need to belong.’ In a world where family consists typically of a married couple and children, singles have a very real and deep need to belong. The church plays a critical role in providing this. This is something, we are meant to consider and work it out, practically.
Shobana has listed down great practical ways by which the church can provide informed and intentional pastoral care for single women and create spaces of inclusion, acceptance, and belonging for single women.
- Perspective— Affirming Teaching on Singleness in the Church
- Programs— Cross-Life Stage Programs and Friendship Connection Opportunities
- Pastoral Care–The Unique Needs and Challenges of Single Women
- Participation—Ministry Involvement and Leadership Representation.
Let me add a few thoughts:
- Why is singleness viewed with negativity? It stems from defective perception of women where the identity of a female is linked only in relation to a male. Therefore, a single woman on her own is incomplete, not whole. In order to have a healthy view of singles and their place in the church, the way women are seen needs to change. Gen 1:27 says – “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them”. A woman is made in the image of God so she is complete as she is and she neither defective nor ‘deviant’ if she is unmarried.
- View of marriage: Seeing marriage as a kind of entitlement, a kind of right that we are meant to possess also contributes to viewing singleness negatively. This leads to seeing singleness as a kind of curse, being overlooked, of being denied by God the privilege of being married. Philippians 2: 5-8. Jesus laid down every right, every privilege as God to serve and obey the Father’s will. Our attitude is meant to be the same. We are meant to lay down even the privilege or the ‘right’ to be married, our own will, because there is a greater privilege, a greater joy set before us, which is to love God and give our all to serve His purposes. If we hold on to something tighter than we hold on to God and His purpose, it becomes an idol. We are not meant to have idols in our lives, including marriage. So, when singleness (whether by choice or circumstantial) becomes an indication of our love for God, our surrender and consecration, it is beautiful, precious and definitely to be accepted, cherished, celebrated in the communities of faith.
- Our lives are meant to be viewed through the lens of God’s purpose and our devotion to Him, as Paul says in 1 Cor.7: 35, “… that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord”. There will be a healthier response to being single if all we live for, is to fulfill God’s purpose, to serve Him, not seek to fulfill what we want or what society imposes on us. Many pioneers, single women missionaries contributed greatly to building God’s kingdom. There are still much that only single women and men can do in missions, many areas where singles have a lot more advantage.
Conclusion
Considering the demography of rising singleness in the church as well as globally, it would be critical to address this matter by giving space for conversations such as what we are having today, by reaching out practically, seeking to be inclusive in our churches, be family to the singles. This, not just because singles need to be seen and given a place to belong but also because they have much to contribute and play an important role in fostering a life of undivided devotion to the Lord. We want to see a generation of women and men who see themselves complete in Christ irrespective of their marital status and who are given up to serving God’s purposes.
(*Quotes from Shobana’s paper are in italics)
Eunice Pamei currently leads The New Generation Trust working among women and children from difficult backgrounds and marginalized communities in Delhi. She, along with a team also leads The Hub Church, Delhi.